Reflexions to the Moon
by Darkmoon Fleur
Summary: After phase 50 of GS, before the OVA. Kira is lost in his own world, trying to find out the reason of his existence, while Athrun wants to help him. Part 3 of 3: Atonement.
1. Lost

**Author Notes:** A very short one-shot, a lot of angst, reflexions. I wrote it quickly, while being slightly depressed. I am sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes.

**Rating**: PG

**Pairings**: None

**Summary** : If I am thinking, isn't is a proof that I am alive? _Why am I able to sleep? Why am I able to eat? Is it because I am still alive?_ (Quotes from Gundam Seed OVA)

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gundam Seed/Destiny.

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**Reflexions to the Moon**

What am I supposed to do ?

What should I do?

_What_ am I ...?

I'm sitting, here, on a small wooden chair, gazing wearily at the sunshine. I can vaguely hear children laughing, full of life, of energy, of hope, everything that I had once, but now lost and forgotten, swallowed by the darkness.

What am I thinking about, you ask?

I don't know myself... Maybe I'm not thinking at all, maybe my mind is gone, maybe only my corpse is sitting there, alive but dead at the same time. Maybe I don't want to think, maybe I want to become numb, and fall into a silent and peaceful sleep.

But I can't, can I?

If I am thinking about that, isn't it the proof that I'm indeed there?

I am eating, sleeping, walking, then am I alive? Is it all there is into being alive?

My body lives but my spirit, my _will_, is dead... In the end, all I am doing is thinking in circle, in the end, the one question is always:

_Why_ am I alive? Do I even have a right to live?

As as much as I want to believe that I'm dreaming, I am always painfully aware that the world around me is real. As if to prove that thought, I move my hand slowly to my half closed eyes, and take a deep breath. Fresh air mixed slightly with salt enters my lungs, and brings a false sense of life.

The sun has finally setted, letting place to a dark blue and cloudless sky, making its limit with the see blurred. A chilly wind blows softly, soundlessly; the world seems to have stopped. The pale Moon reflects with a silver shade on the see, its shadow moving at the same pace as the waves, which were crushing deafly on the beach.

I look wistfully at the sky, and more precisely at the space. So many happy memories... so many sad memories... All these feelings are kept safely in this secret realm. Unbidden. Unforgotten. My gaze shifts to the Moon, the place of childhood, the place of hapiness, the place I will never return.

I want to glare at the sky, I want to scream my heart out for all the injustice, for all that happened, or maybe... I only want to cry. But I am not able to. Not anymore. As much as I wanted to shed tears to release my feelings, I can't. Too many tears were already shed, so much unfairness, so much sadness, so much regrets. All I can do is stare, not even glare. Am I that dead to the world that I can't express anything?

My face burries in my hands for a slight moment, as my feeling of uneasiness threatens to swallow me again. I breath quietly. I must not show that weakness. I don't want them to worry. They will soon come. I can already hear them. But they will not say anything anymore. They have tried, they wanted to help, and at last decided to let go...Maybe they do not understand...no, they _can't_ understand.

I look up once again at the Moon, my gaze lost in its beautiful pale light, questionning it silently, desesperately, once again, as if hoping for an answer in my head; before getting up, and waiting for them, an emotionless and distant look drawn in my face.

End?

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**Author Notes**: As I said before sorry if there are mistakes, or if there is no real logic in his thoughts, but I felt that it was kind of fitting to his state of mind. Anyway I hope you like it!

I still don't know if I am going to write a second part to this one. If there is, I think it will either focus on Athrun's discussion with Kira, inspired from the OVA, or on a Kira and Lacus encounter on his feelings. My main problem is who to chose: Athrun or Lacus? Lol ... So I might end up writing nothing...

For those who are reading my other fic, Another Path, Another Destiny, I am very sorry for the delay, I've got so much school work... I think I might still be able to update before the end of the month hopefully!

Reviews are always welcomed!


	2. You are similar to me

**Rating**: PG

**Pairing**: none

**Summary**: I want to help you. I believe there is a way, so... don't drift away from us.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gundam Seed/Destiny.

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**Reflexions to the Moon: You are similar to me**

He is quiet.

_Too_ quiet.

He glances briefly at us, still sitting in his favorite wooden chair faced to the ocean, and our eyes meet.

Nothing.

There is nothing in those violet orbs, no sadness, no anger, no grief... _nothing_.

That emptiness scares me. I don't know what to do anymore, _we_ don't know. We want to help you, but yet you are rejecting us. We want you to come back, we want you to be like your younger self, carefree and joyfull, we don't want to lose you.

I guess that is what we are all afraid of: losing you.

You are drifting away... maybe you do not even realise it,... or do you? Is that really what you wish? Going away? To be left alone? To be far away from us?

Loneliness is not a cure, loneliness can't help you.

Loneliness will ultimately destroy you.

Don't you remember that time when we were young? We used to say everything to each others, secrets didn't exist. We often dreamed about how we would make wishes to the Moon instead of the stars. We used to wish that, one day, we would look up to the Moon, and not be on it, to contemplate its pale beauty.

Now we can do that, we are doing that, but things have changed. We changed.

The war has changed us.

But despite all what happened we are still there, and still best friends, aren't we?

Then I want to help you, but why am I saying nothing? All I can do is stare at you, and ponder. My mind is full of so many comforting words, but nothing would come out. I know how he feels, I know what I should say, then...

Why?

Maybe the fact that I do understand _is_ precisely why. Maybe myself deep down, my thoughts are similar to yours. Maybe I would feel hypocrite or presomptous to dare giving advices. He would say; you should listen to your own words. And then I would sut up. I would have nothing to say, because he would be right. Because he is like a reflection of my inner feelings.

But... unlike you I am trying. I do not want to let myself slip away, even if I deserve it. We helped finish a war, but we also helped making other people cry. We wanted to protect, but we have also destroyed : we killed people that were precious to the other, we tried to kill each others.

If I can do something to atone, I will.

Some people still needs me, and some people still needs you.

_We _need you.

It might be foolish to try, but I won't give up and you shouldn't too.

That's why... even though I might be mistaken by trying, I believe it is our duty to do so.

That's why I will still try talking to you.

That's why I don't want you to give up.

Because you are similar to me, Kira.

To be continued?

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**Author Notes**: Hello! I have finally decided to write another part to this story: so here is another short drabble on Athrun's point of view. I admit that at first I wanted to write directly his confrontation with Kira, but I changed my mind, and decided for an introspection first. So yes there will be a final third chapter with Kira. Ah and the title of this chapter is inspired of the last ending of Destiny, "Kimi wa Boku niteiru" by See-Saw.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

**Thanks for the review to**: Black Magician Girl3, furin-a, Anemosys, karone-sakura.

**Next Chapter :** Atonement.

Comments are welcomed!


	3. Atonement

**Rating**: PG

**Pairing**: none

**Summary**: There is always something we can do. We just can't let the world end. It is our duty and maybe our way to atone.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gundam Seed/Destiny.

**Warning: ** OOCness for Athrun and Kira, some friendship fluff and lots of angst. I wrote it while having overload schoolwork and tiredness, resulting to some unorganized thoughts. I'm sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes.

_**GSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSD**_

**Reflexions to the Moon: Atonement**

They have come, just as every weeks. Smooth footsteps makes the wooden floor crack, as she walks happily to greet them. Lacus is always overthrilled when someone visits the orphanage. She must be happy to have some more pleasant compagny, some distraction.

Lacus...always so kind, sweet and strong... why does she even bother to stay with someone like me? Someone who is so boring, who barely speak more than a mute?

She deserves better, much better.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry or anything else, I'm merely stating the truth. It's not as if I'm not aware of what I'm doing, meaning... nothing. People reproaches me that, even though silently. But I can't help it.

I want to do something. I really want.

But what should I do?

No matter how many time I think, I still can not find the answer, resulting in the exact opposite of my wish: inaction.

I sigh soflty, getting up from my chair, as I met their eyes.

Amber. Same as ever. Maybe a little more tired than usual, but always full of life and determination. Who could guess that we are actually twins? She is all that I am not. She has the courage and the will to go on. Or maybe she has to, as Orb representative.

Emerald. Unreadable. Yes, as painful as it is to admit it, those eyes are now a stranger to me. I used to be able to read into them like an open book, I used to see them joyful and carefree just like mine before, but now... I don't know anymore. The war changed us. I wish you could show me your old look again, one that would say "it was just a nightmare, it's over". Unlike me, you go on with your life, you help my sister... you have find your answer didn't you, Athrun?

But I haven't.

I'm alone.

_**GSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSD**_

We are sitting at the table in the dining room. The children are laughing happily, as Cagalli and Lacus speak about the peace, among other things I forget. I'm not really paying any attention to it, after all I am with Orb Representative almost all time. A treaty of peace means there was a war. A war I would prefer forget for now. It's not as if I don't care, but it's just painfull to hear them talk about that.

But you, what do you think of it?

I glance slowly at the other silent figure at the table. He barely eats, even though he really needs it, and is almost playing with his food, as if he is deep in thoughts. I begin to suspect anorexia, or depression. The latter being highly possible regarding his recent behaviour.

His head is always bowed, as if he is afraid to look too long at someone. As if he fears some unknown punishment.

Is your plate _that_ interesting, to keep your focus like that? Staring at an invisible pattern, or whatever you see in that? Yes, I begin to be annoyed.

But most of all I am worried.

I really am, Kira.

Just as everyone else. Cagalli did say that too, Lacus too. Even though she's living with you, you don't open up to her. It hurts to see you like that. You are like my brother, my only living family.

But it's enough.

We sould talk.

I _will._

Today.

_**GSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSD**_

The blue haired boy got up from the table, excusing himself, while the girls were tyding up. He went out, fully expecting to see his silent friend sitting on his chair. But he was wrong. He wasn't here.

Glancing around, he wondered where he could have went. Deciding that recently his best friend's best friend was the ocean, he walked to the beach. And he indeed met him, faced to the see, looking wistfully at the Moon.

A soft wind blew his navy hair, and he put his hand on the palm tree, momentarily hesitating to meet up with him. What was he afraid of anyway? It was like that every time he wanted to talk, his tongue would fell into comatose. But not this time again.

Shooking his head, clenching his fists, he walked next to the brunette's right side, and looked at him with a sigh. His amethyst eyes were staring at the cloudless midnight sky, refusing stubbornly to acknowledge his friend. After a weird and deafening silence, which was inwardly driving them mad, it was him, surprisingly who began to talk very slowly in a barely audible voice:

"It's strange...isn't it?"

His attention was still to the sky as he spoke, the other remained quiet, listening carefully and waiting for him to elaborate.

"Why am I alive?...Why am I able to eat...? To sleep...? Is it because I am alive?"

His voice was a mere whisper, heavy with meaning, like a man who had seen to much for his age. It was almost frightening to hear him, he was completely distraught. It was an emotionless, distant voice, with no hints of sadness.

"We are all the same, Kira." he said sincerely wanting him to understand.

Kira finally turned his head and gazed questioningly at his friend, waiting for him to elaborate. The other sighed softly and went on, looking far away at the ocean:

"I am asking myself the same questions too..."

"Athrun..."

Violet eyes stared at his friend, speechless, but now it was the emerald's which refused to meet them. Kira didn't understand his words, how could he? There was absolutely no way Athrun knew what he thought... no... he might know a part, having gone through the war too... but he couldn't know the part about his _existence_. With that last thought, the brown haired boy felt his chest tightening, and breathed with more difficulty than before.

No. He couldn't know. That's why he couldn't understand.

On the other hand, the blue haired boy could feel his friend's behaviour changing. Something was definitely wrong. He could almost feel the atmosphere becoming heavier with tension.

It was clear as water. Kira didn't believe him. And maybe that was what hurt him most.

But he wouldn't let go like that.

"Kira," he said sternly turning to face for the first time his best friend in the eye. "Why can't you understand that I am not lying? How can I make you understand that I am going through the same things?"

Hints of anger and disappointment tainted his voice. Kira began to look away, but a strong arm stopped him, forcing him to look up. Athrun felt desperate with helplessness, when dead amthyst eyes stared at him.

"You're not alone, don't you see?" he gripped Kira's shoulder tightly, his voice breaking slightly.

An uncomfortable silence ensued, when Kira finally whispered softly almost unwillingly.

"But I am alone..."

"Kira!"

"I am, Athrun!" he finally exploded before Athrun could say anything more. "There are things you don't know! Terrible things! You can't understand how I feel!"

"That's because you don't let me a chance to! I have also my own trouble, Kira! We have gone through the same war! It's true that I can't know everything about you, but the same goes for you too. You just can't shut everyone who wants to help you out!" Athrun almost yelled, not out of real anger. He really wanted Kira to understand, even more after his outburst.

Kira's violet eyes began to prickle and turned his head away as he freed himself from Athrun's grip. Still, he wasn't crying. Deep down, he knew that Athrun was right, but he couldn't bring himself to forget his own sorrow.

_He won't change...it is hopeless, _a part of Athrun thought sadly, nagging his mind. _You can't change him, you can't... and that's why you're lost too._

Athrun pushed forcefully this voice back in his head. He absolutely refused to believe it. He _needed_ to not believe it.

"Kira... please say something," the blue haired boy pleaded, his voice breaking, as Kira stared sturbbornly at the sand. "I... I need you to try Kira... as difficult as it sounds... I do understand..." He also looked away and continued, his voice slightly bitter. "I do ... wonder why I didn't die... Why did Cagalli save me? Why haven't I exploded with the Justice?"

Kira looked up, clearly shocked, but also afraid, by his friend words. His eyes finally met with deep sorrowful emerald eyes, and a feeling of guilt began well up inside him, becoming worse when Athrun went on:

"After all we killed so many people... then why should we be alive? So many died, our friends, our family..." Athrun stared seriously at him. "Isn't that what you are asking yourself, Kira?"

Kira remained quiet, apalled by himself. The horrible dawning awareness that all he had done was pushing everyone out. Even those who also needed help. His best friend Athrun and surely even the ever happy sweet Lacus, and his outgoing twin Cagalli; they all suffered from the war.

Had he really been that selfish?

How could he focus on his own suffering when Athrun was in a similar state?

What kind of friend was he?

"Athrun...I ..." he began, his eyes watering. He was cut down when the blue haired boy gave him a friendly hug.

"Sorry...I'm so sorry, Athrun,"

And for the first time since the end of the war, Kira cried, his head resting on his friend shoulder.

"I... I should have seen how you felt, how you suffered too... but..." he said between chocks. "So many things happened... so many so many! I..." he struggled to find his words.

"Shh... You don't need to tell me everything, Kira..." Athrun said softly trying to soothe him. "I understand... we still have plenty of time."

Kira nodded slightly and pulled away, breathing deeply. As much as he wanted to pour his heart out, he couldn't...at least not now. For now, he needed to forget what _he _said he was. It didn't matter. It shouldn't. Tears were still rolling down his face,but somehow he felt better than before.

"...but then what should we do?" he asked, his voice shooking slightly.

Athrun looked at his friend before gazing at the pale Moon again.

"There must be something we can do. There always is. Atonement is not easy, maybe we will never have it... but we are alive, aren't we?"

Kira nodded . "We are... The world ... isn't waiting for us."

"It might be difficult, but after being so close to destruction, isn't it our duty to protect this world?"

Kira smiled softly at him. "Yes... is it the path we should take?"

Athrun glanced at him briefly before also saying with a smile. "I don't know. But didn't you say it yourself? We can look for the answer together."

"Because we are friends."

"Because we are never alone, Kira."

_**GSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSDGSD**_

**Author Notes:** I have finally finished this short story! This last part didn't quite turn out like I have planned, and I honestly think I could have done better. Well I will blame it on tiredness...lol There are some points I wanted to deepened more, but I will leave them for maube future drabble. And I also wanted to make this short story coherent with some future parts of my other fanfiction... well it doesn't really change anything in fact. Lol

Anyway I hope you enjoyed this story!

**Thanks for the review to:** furin-a, karone-sakura.

Comments are always welcomed!


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